Lyrics From

Volume One - The Early Years

Stan Freberg and Billy May, 1961

"It's A Round, Round World"

Columbus: It's a round, round world
It's a round, round world
I contend it's round, and it's gonna be found
When all the results are in
It's a round world now and it's always been

Ferdinand: Flat
Flat world
It's a flat, flat world
I insist it's flat as a welcoming mat
And he's sailing off the end
How about our crazy Italian friend:

Columbus: Friend
Get hip, would I climb aboard this ship
If I didn't have odds the earth was highly spherical
Ferdinand: It's a miracle
If it is

Columbus: Square, square king
You're a square, square king
If you don't believe
You're gonna receive
The shock of your royal life
When the ship pulls in at Miami...

Crew: Yo, ho, ho and a Dramamine
We are loyal subjects of the king and queen
But what kind of nut would you have to be
To borrow a ship and put out to sea
When you don't know what's on the other side

Columbus: Ferdinand:
Round, round world All week long on a hardtack bun
It's a round, round world Brother, who said getting there is
I contend it's round Half the fun (breath)
And it's gonna be found Give up my throne for one Navy Bean
When all the results are in No wonder I'm turning three shades green
It's a round world now How could I go on such a loony
And it's always

Columbus: Crew:
Trip get hip, would I climb Crazy kind of scheme
Aboard this ship It's a cockamamy dream
If I didn't have odds If we don't sight land we're
The earth was highly spherical gonna scream

Ferdinand:
It's a miracle if it is

Columbus: Crew:
Square, square crew Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain
You're a square, square crew There's a typhoon coming up
If you don't believe But where's John Wayne?

Columbus: Ferdinand:
You're gonna receive I feel like a red witch
The shock of your salty lives Having a wake
When I take command in the How much of the ocean
name of bit do you think I can take
claim that land in the name
of...

Columbus:

Isabella and Ferdinand Ferdinand:

That's Ferdinand and Isabella:
Both:

New rulers of this round, Crew:
round world Crazy kind of scheme
It's a cockamamy dream
But we hope it's a round, round
world

"It's A Round, Round World" (Reprise)

Columbus: Indians:
Round, round world Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve
It's a newfound world Now the white man's here I guess
And the land looks good It's time to leave
Like a continent should But why go to war and fight like
Complete with a flag unfurled a jerk
Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work
In an Indian extravaganza
Wyatt Earp or Bonanza

Columbus: Please don't call us, we'll call you
Ferdinand: Step aside pal, meet the new
Both: Big cheeses of this round, round world

"Take An Indian To Lunch"

Take an Indian to lunch this week
Show him we're a regular bunch this week
Show him we're as liberal as can be
Let him know he's almost as good as we
Make a feathered friend feel fed this week
Overlook the fact he's red this week
Let him share our Quaker Oats
'Cause he's useful when he votes
Take an Indian to lunch
Two, four, six, eight, who do we tolerate
Indians, Indians, rah; rah; rah
Take an Indian to lunch this week
Let him sit right down and munch this week
Let's give in and all do the brotherhood bit
Just make sure we don't make a habit of it
Take an Indian to dine this week
Show him we don't draw the line this week
We know everyone can't be
As American as we
After all, we came over on the Mayflower
Take an Indian
Not a wooden Indian
But a real, live Indian
To lunch!

"Top Hat, White Feather, And Tails"

Put on your top hat
White feather and tails
Paint up your faces
You reds and you pales
Put on your beaded goods
We're gonna do the woods
Tap-dance up the hills and down the dales
(à la Harry Richman)
Remember thum day
This all will be mirth (yeth thir!)
Right here on Broadway
Corner fifty firth (yeth thir!)
You'll be a vital part
Of all the terribly smart set
In your top hat, white feather, and tails
Dance up to your penthouse
And look at the view
Mix with the show folk
And Park Avenue (yeth thir!)
So gay and so aloof
Name-dropping on the rooftop
Drinking champagne by the pails...
In your top hat, white feather, and tails!

"A Man Can't Be Too Careful What He Signs These Days"

Come on and put your name on the dotted line
I gotta be particular what I sign
It's just a piece of paper
Just a piece of paper, that's what you say
Come on and put your signature on the list
It looks to have a subversive twist
How silly to assume it
Won't you nom de plum it today
You're so skittish
Who possibly could care if you do
The un-British activities committee, that's who
Let's have a little drink-o and fill the quill
It sounds a little pink-o to me but still
Knock off the timid manner
If you want a banner to raise
Banner to raise
You must take a stand
For this brave new land
For who wants to live
So conservative?
I don't disagree but a man can't be
Too careful what he signs these days

"Everybody Wants To Be An Art Director"
1961 original release version

Look at the colors you chose
The best you could do I suppose
A peppermint stripe with royal blue
The same as the British colors too
Now how will we tell whose side is who?
Look at the colors you chose
Why couldn't it have been puce
Lavender over chartreuse
Or possibly some exotic shade
A delicate orange, mauve, or jade
Instead of the choice that has been made
Why couldn't it have been possibly cinnamon
Everybody wants to be an art director
Everybody wants to call the shots
Everybody wants to be a flag dissector
Changing all my stars to polka dots
Everybody thinks that they're the final word
On what is strictly out and what is in
Howdja like a flag that features fleur-de-lis
On ochre corrugated tin!

"Everybody Wants To Be An Art Director"
1989 extended version

Look at the colors you chose
The best you could do I suppose
A peppermint stripe with royal blue
The same as the British colors too
Now how will we tell whose side is who?
Look at the colors you chose
Why couldn't it have been puce
Lavender over chartreuse
Or possibly some exotic shade
A delicate orange, mauve, or jade
Instead of the choice that has been made
Why couldn't it have been possibly cinnamon
Everybody wants to be an art director
Everybody wants to call the shots
Everybody wants to be a flag dissector
Changing all my stars to polka dots
Everybody thinks that they're the final word
On what is strictly out and what is in
Howdja like a banner made of pea-green spots
On simulated leopard skin
Or possibly a flag that features fleur-de-lis
On ochre corrugated tin!

"So Long, Friend..."

So long, friend
We have come to the end
Of the battle that we all deplore
That highly military
Script by Dore Schary
Revolutionary War.

Lyrics From

The United States Of America

Volume Two - The Middle Years

Stan Freberg and Billy May, 1996

"Madison, Jefferson, Franklin & Osbourne"

I'm Madison
I'm Jefferson
I'm Franklin
I'm Osbourne
Advertising men are we
We said we're Madison
We're Jefferson
We're Franklin, we're Osbourne
Advertising men are we
We've got a new all new campaign
We're gonna put it on the train
And see if it gets off
If it gets off
If it gets off--if it gets off
At Washington D.C.!

"America! America!"

What is the place
Where the good guys all live?
Why that's America! America!
Stand up and give three cheers to
That country
To whom the bad guys all lose
Why that's America! America!
Have you heard the news?
That's the lucky place where any resident
Can grow up to be President
Unless he's Landon or Dewey
Or Humphrey or Mondale
But what the hey, the U.S.A.
Is still okay in our book, 'cause we'll have
Government and attitude
And billboards and junk food
And justice and five-cent cigars
Come to America! America!
America! America!
It's good luck even with thirteen stars!!

"America! America!" (Reprise)

What is the place where the
Good guys all live?
Why that's America! America!
Stand up and give three cheers for
That country to whom the
Bad guys all lose
Why that's America! America!
Have you heard the news?
That's the lucky place where any resident
Can grow up to be President
Or just choose whatever
He wants or she wants to be
That's why we say, the U.S.A.
Is still okay in our book
But just remember you can't
Always take it for granted
Be glad that you're living
Where peace still sings
Here in America! America!
America! America!
The one great nation where freedom rings!

"Rumplemeyer's Horseshoes"

Rumplemeyer's horseshoes
Are the best you can use
What so proudly he's nailed
Onto all kinds of horses
Whose broad backs and bright eyes
As they smile in their stalls
Give proof through the night
That they wear Rumplemeyer's
Ask the horse who owns one
He'll say son of a gun
Rumplemeyer's horseshoes
Are by me number one
That's Rumplemeyer's horseshoes
Spelled R-u-m-p-l-e Meyer's
Twenty seven Chestnut Street!
Ask for Harry or Dave!!

"Show Folk"

Some people enjoy...
Splitting rails
Hammering nails
Blazing trails
This all fails to delight me
Some folks seek employment in banks
But no thanks
For the ranks of the banks
Don't excite me
Top executive jobs they may pursue
There's just one thing that I'm born to do!
I want to be where the spotlight
And the curtain is
Just look for me where the limelight
That for certain is
It doesn't matter if it's Broadway or it's
Hoboken, 'cause I'm show folk all the way
I'll do the part that is arty
And ethereal
I'll do the smart, or the not so hot
Material
It doesn't matter if it's Shakespeare or it's
Pure hoke, because I'm
Show folk all the way
Let me play all parts
There are no small parts
Only small actors my friend
I'll play a death scene
That big Macbeth scene
Or just the second witch from the end
I'll do a bit on a showboat or a ship to Rome
I'll play a split week in Muncie or the Hippodrome
I'll keep on smiling 'cause I know the show may
Go broke, because I'm
Show folk all the wayyy
Don't want to fly to the moon
Or be a steel tycoon
Or President of the U.S.A.
Just wanna be show folk
Those inner glow folk
Because I'm show folk all the way!!

"Show Folk" (Reprise)

Don't want to be employed
As a Sigmund Freud
Or president of the A.M.A.
I just wanna be show folk
Those ego-go folk
Those dynamo folk
Those tappy toe folk
We just want to be show folk

"Shoot If You Must"

M is for the many things I don't like
Overkill is one of them my dear
T is for the train which I intend to grab
H is for the head which I revere
Did you sayyyyy
Shoot if you must
You are kidding, I trust
Joan of Arc or Molly Pitcher I'm not
What's more the war's in the bag
And you've got a spare flag
But this is the only old gray head I've got
Shoot he will do
When I throw him the cue
And since when is getting clobbered a thrill
A hero I'd like to be
But not posthumously
Who needs to get bumped off
In their window sill
I hear Stonewall Jackson's
Hostile through and through
If the truth were known he
Hates his mother too
Just to stay alive
Is this poor mother's goal
But who says Stonewall Jackson
Practices gun control!
(Did you say)
Shoot if you must
You are kidding, I trust
Go and book some other woman I pray
I've got a daughter and son
I've just had my hair done
And brother on top of that it's Mothers Day!
Why should I become a sitting duck
What's the percentage brother in that?
Go get some other patsy who won't mind a
Big fat hole in her hat! 'Cause this is my
Only old gray head
Call the D.A.R. instead
And let them salute while they holler
Shoot if you must!

"As Long As You're Up"

As long as you're up
Get me a blast!
I must confess, under duress
I like to be gassed
Let other gen'rals trudge
Sober as a judge
Boy this is the only
Way to fly!
Pursuing the South
Over the hills
Fearless and brave, minus a shave
And crocked to the gills!
A half a fifth I know
Ought to take Shiloh, so--
As long as you're up, get me a blast!

"A Sober Life's A Hard Life"

A sober life's a hard life
The sort of a life with which I've clashed
For though I sympathize with tem'prance
There's a lot to be said for being smashed!
It helps to lubricate things
Like, for example, civil wars!
You can have the dry life
Brother this is my life
Open wide the tavern dooooors!

"Perseverance"

How did the man who lit up America do it?
What incandescent quality led the man to it?
What drove him day and night
Till finally he saw the light?
And what refused to let that man give up?
Why it was...
Perseverance, ya gotta have
Perseverance, don't let yourself
Be swayed by negative thoughts
Or interference, once the
Good lord has given you
The inspiration my friend, you gotta have
Perseverance to the end!!
When inspiration drives you
Ya gotta keep goin'
Keep that creative fountainhead
Open and flowin'
At moments you must admit
You feel like you want to quit
But what's that thing that sees you through it all?
Why it's just...
Perseverance etc., etc.

"Planned Obsolescence"

Things were meant to burn out
Things were meant to wear out
Things were meant to break down
Try and wear a pair out
They think they're stocking up
When they've got three or four
Before they turn around
They need a dozen more!
Planned obsolescence
There is the essence
Of the American way of making things
Schlocky kind of breaking things
Bang! Clang! Crash! Smash!
Clunk! Junk! Fizzle!
Conking out according to some master plan
Go try and beat the system if you can!
Things were meant to burn out
Things were meant to crunch out!
Things were meant to fall down
Try and wear a bunch out
You make it seem to be quite sturdy whereupon
You take your cue from things
That say "Made in Taiwan"!!
Planned obsolescence!
There is the essence
Of the American way of making things
Schlocky kind of breaking things!
Bang! Clang! Crash! Smash!
Clunk! Junk! Fizzle!
Conking out according to some master plan
Go try and beat the system if you
Try and beat the system if you
Try and beat the system if you cannn!!

"U-Boat"

Kaiser Bill, you dirty guy
We're glad you're not our ally
And if you wanna know what we think
There are nicer enemies than...
U-boat! U-boat!
Why don't you act like a true boat?
Slipping around beneath the surface
Don't you realize that makes us nerfous!!

"The Guns Of August"

The guns of August were a whole lot louder
Than the guns of June or July
It was a lousy month in Broadway's eyes
But it was mem'rable ballistics-wise
When they issued the Yanks
Their leggings and tanks
They should have issued them earplugs too
Because the...
Guns of August were a whole lot louder
Than the guns of June or Julyyyy

"Hello, Peace, Hello"

This was the war to end all wars
Hello, peace, hello
Hostilities will be no more
Hello, peace, hello
No more bombs now up in the sky
'Cause everything is apple pie!
Totalitarianism goodbye!
Hello, peace, hello
Tyranny now will terminate
No further seeds will germinate
The world has learned that it's
Naughty to hate
Hello, peace
Nice to see ya, peace!
Hello, peace, helloooooo

"There'll Never Be Another War"

There'll never be another war, no, no!
There'll never be another war
No more boom boom or rat-a-tat now
All the world will be "just like that" now
Hit us with the olive bough, wow! Wow!
There's nothing more but peace in store
There'll be no hating or despising
No more mobilizing
Bloodshed or oppression
Toodle-oo aggression
Take it from me, brother
Trust me on it, mother
There'll never be another warrrrr

*****
Photographs on this page courtesy of Eric's Gallery of Stan Freberg Pictures